Time to return to my roots

Taken from http://astatine19.blogspot.com/2008/05/khushman-speaks.html

Khushman Speaks

Recently, I told my friend that I was about to put up another post on my blog. He asked,

“Why? It’s already dead! Why are you reviving it??”

I said, “Dude, who said it’s dead??”

Now, I may seem to be sloppish and lazy, but that does not, in any way, mean that this blog’s dead. Nope. Bokay?

Anyways, since his blog’s dead, I’ll be posting here a masterpiece of his writing. It all happened when he refused to tell me the meaning of some code (he has still not obliged!) and I threatened him with my displeasure – that got his creative juices flowing. Enjoy!

astatine19: whats 4588774925??

Khushman: That’s like I said earlier(not to you in particular) known only to those to whom i’ve taught that particular algorithm or shared that ‘secret’ code and have such ‘advanced’ knowledge….lol sorry dude. And what’s this mood interlude thingy?? You know I don’t have the bandwidth to open it.

He uses his cell to access the net, hence the limited bandwidth.
astatine19: either do i. and dont u run around circles. tell me… or suffer my displeasure

Khushman: What does the ‘my displeasure’ package you offer include?? Does it include a tour of the grand canyon of blood?? Of the devil’s drama?? Of hell’s holes?? Of fiery fowls?? And last but not the least(I hope), it offers a personal massage from satan with boiling oil doesn’t it?? I’ll only take it if it offers the above features, plus I want a 20% discount on the tour price because i’m an old customer of your pleasure and annoyance. Those were fun trips so I hope you haven’t gone down on the quality of your trips. Looking forward to a reply -Fake Jesus Christ

Khushman: Btw, I forgot the last line. I respect the place where your annoyance and my pleasure meet. Namaste.

He’s a big fan of Fake Steve Jobs, and so am I.

astatine19: Namaste. We’ll be honoured to have you as our esteemed guest. I shall get our special suite ready for you. Enjoy your… visit

astatine19: watever. wat does that number mean??

Khushman: Hmmm….hey dude, the text’s not complete. Tell me a good place to post the entire thing. No not email, that won’t work. Something else.

astatine19: i dont wanna read it! just temme the meaning of that number. and dont change the topic!

Khushman: Dude, it took me 2hrs to write it. So tell me a place to post it.

astatine19: facebook. 2 hours?? dont u have anything better to do???

He’s an IIT student, so it’s necessary for him to have something better to do. Umm, something like studying.

Khushman: And why do you wanna know what that that number means??

astatine19: coz i’ve been seeing it a lot and i wanna know wat it means! simple. plain curiosity. there u go. now temme

Khushman: Whaddya mean seeing it a lot?? You can only have seen that in 2 places. Orkut and facebook

Thus concluded our “orkut chatting.” Soon afterwards, I received a mail from him in Facebook. I recognized it as a masterpiece as soon as I read it; and after receiving his consent, am proud to post it here:
Thank you, i’m looking forward to my trip. It’s gonna be a fun holiday!! Hope you will be my guide as I haven’t been to anything as thrilling as Your Displeasure. Your Annoyance was fun but then Displeasure has always been more fun than Annoyance, in most cases. It will also be a pleasure to meet my blood-brother, Devil. It’s been so long since we’ve met(Last time we met was to discuss the possibility of an advertising campaign for good deeds on earth financed by him. It was a total failure, with a fullon quarrel).I do love him for his growing popularity. Ok, not really. As he’s taking my ex-followers in his fold. I’ll have to enact revenge and am planning an ambush on him. I’m in contact with a well-known cracker(The pope’s robe’s just a disguise. You should see his MacBook Air under his robes. It’s truly skilful the way he hides it) and he says he’s got the devil’s OS all figured out, and also found out a few vulnerabilities which will allow me to preach on his own emergency channel. I’m planning to record the meaningless ramblings of our best(i.e. most boring) priest, known for his remarkable efficiency (in putting people to sleep). This will get him and all his followers to a coma-like unconscious state in mere minutes, and that’s when i’ll call on my followers, who’ll come in my great vehicles(Noah’s Ark, my walking stick, also a new Tata Nano which is all we can afford because of absmally low donations) as they’re too old to walk. Then I plan to convert most of their population to mine with ournewly stolen ‘Mind Disillusioner'(it says on the package that it’s made by 666Ltd., Demonic Industrial Estate, hmmm…wonder what that means). Then they’ll all be under my command and we’ll make the world the beautiful place called paradise. There’ll be preachers everywhere, no intimacy will be allowed, sex and booze will be banned, my word shall be law!! The 7 deadly sins will not occur, alongwith some new sins that my counterparts on earth have cooked up. Also, women and men will have no free rights(except for some chosen ones, like my personal chaffeur). They shall have to wear clothes that cover ALL of their bodies, excluding their face. Granted that there shall be no love, but there shall also be no hatred, and cummon, i’ll rule everyone. Yeah!! Beautiful birds will roam the earth and flowers will fragrate the place. I’ll have a majestic palace(built on rock, mind you) and my enemies will have huts on sand. Movies will have working censor boards which will censor anything that makes my brother look good in anyway. Instead of songs which nobody listens to, it shall have my personal recording which will tell them to do good deeds. The intermission will have my 10 commandments repeated over and over again till all of them have it in their blood. Couples will not be allowed to go(or form, for that matter). Male and female cinema will be different. We shall take strict action against anyone breaking this law. They will have to leave paradise and go to the deep deep lava lake where the warmth will cool and cleanse them. Women will be conscripted to the Angelic Virgin Force, a special division to sing to me and fan me, and in case anybody’s having a lil’ too much problems, to lure them to my rehab center. There will be none of the blasphemy called coitus by my inferiors. Instead we will have big huge sperm banks, where we will also inject the fairer gender, and make them suffer during labour by banning all forms of anasthesia, for it is my will that they suffer for doing the world so much good. Children will be taken away at birth and be flash-transferred with songs in my glory, and exaggerated stories talking about my achievements, especially the conquest of Hell. Some of them which have super genes(i.e. My blessings) will form an elite strike team called Spartans which will do my bidding and occasionally when i’m in the mood, hunt some deer for me. I shall form a special haz-mat team which will purify hell. They shall have super-effective ramblings from my second-in-command(the original guy who recorded his preachings) so that they do not get infected. For my dear brother, I got a REALLY good surprise cooked up. I’m gonna make him a cosmic hate figure and have hate week, and many other such ceremonies to cleanse him. It’s gonna last 1984years and he’ll hopefully be a changed man till then because nobody’ll like him then. Also he’ll be thrown in the worst dungeons I have and i’ll bloaten him to such an extent that nobody’ll believe that he’s the same devil. He’ll also have to give up his trident which will be given to my personal bodyguard. Haha he’s gonna love every moment of it(I’m jesus. I can’t punish him too harshly). And to those damn atheists who don’t seem to believe in me, i’ll just show them how I won’t drown in the dead sea. Of course I wrote the bible so all of those experiences never occured, still it doesn’t matter, does it?? Man needs to be in awe of me. And then I and my fellow beings shall live happily ever after, in a state of nirvana in paradise. Now back to reality. So on which days is your esteemed organisation free, specifically when are you, the honourable manager free?? I have a quite packed schedule, as I have shown you above, because I have to plan and coordinate everything. I hope you are free for me, as your facebook status states and be kind enough to accompany me along what promises to be a really enjoyable tour. Yours lovingly, Fake Jesus Christ(Future Fuhrer)

I must say, the guy has it in him for writing.

P.S.: For all those Christian out there offended by this post, I am not responsible for it’s contents. Neither do I endorse or condemn any views. If you don’t like – don’t read it, for I’m invoking my Freedom Of Speech. For those who still insist on preaching me about respect for other people’s religion, please save your breath. This is meant to be humour. Those who still don’t get it, I have just one word for them: Siooma. Figure out what it means. All the necessary material and hyper links are available within this post. Happy hunting!

Posted by astatine19 at 2:17 AM

Namaste. 😛

Ahh, the kota days!